The Past Me, the Present Me

By mid of November, our plan was counting 3 more therapy sessions to go. I had been feeling good for months, but there was an image that was still hurting pretty bad every time it surfaced: it was the memory of those awful days, in which my worst anxiety had kept my body trapped inside my house and my life trapped inside my head. My therapist welcomed me with her usual smile: “Today we can address those memories, by going back to EMDR.” [1] We had used EMDR for the first couple of sessions, then spontaneously moved to a more…

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Live by the Plan, die by the Plan

One of the first necessities I remember acknowledging in front of my therapist was “I need a plan”. We were talking about the Xanax I had been prescribed to help me relax a bit before going to bed and my reluctance to even try it. I had thousands of reasons why I didn’t want to open that little bottle: fear of dependence first of all, fear of losing control over my real-self, fear of being transformed into someone else by those drops, fear of starting it off without knowing if, when and how I could have quit it. So I…

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The inevitability of non-linearity

I really wonder what you are expecting from a post with such a nerdy title. Anyway, don’t panic, there won’t be any philosophy or quantum physics involved; only, as usual, the story of my journey through (and with) anxiety. As you may have learned from my posts so far, my healing process after my breakdown has seemed pretty smooth, even if it has taken some time, the need to discover and use several new “tools” and, most of all, quite a huge effort. In these months I’ve been reading and listening to hundreds of opinions about how non-linear the healing…

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Mi analysis es tu analysis

As I began to love myself, I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is Love of Oneself.  ― Charlie Chaplin When I summed up the events that had led me to breaking up with him and explained her how surprised I was about my positive reaction to those events in the following days, my therapist reflected “We can say that he served as a good training ground”.…

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Fine tuning

By mid-June my relationship with brand-new boyfriend was already flying high, he quickly winded up to be my main priority throughout the days. He literally was my first thought as I opened my eyes in the morning and my last thought before I fell asleep. And the same was happening to him; “I’m thinking of you all the time” he told me one day, while I was driving in my car. I had never felt so positively irrational in all my life, but my fears were still there and, luckily enough, so was my therapist. “I’m afraid it’s not going…

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Let the romance begin

Ok, the title may sound a bit mushy, I know. But, after all, what did you expect after last post? It all begins with a kiss, right? That’s what happened to me, to us, as well. It all began with that kiss. I was still pretty afraid of so many things, but confusion was dissolving. I told everything to my therapist, of course, as soon as we met. “I’m glad about what’s happening, but I still have so many fears.” “Which ones?” she asked. “Oh gosh, where do I start from?” “Let’s start from the biggest ones, for example”. I…

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It must be the meds

By mid May, I was actually starting to feel better. I had been going to work every day for the last month, my fears about my best friend and me were getting thinner, time to go to sleep was still a critical moment, but insomnia was no longer the huge problem it had been. One day, it was a Saturday afternoon, I was supposed to go shopping for groceries with my brother. He wound up having some other things to do in the end and, without even thinking about it that much, I heard myself saying: “Don’t worry, I’ll go…

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I am…

Cliche by Tom Newby

During one of my first sessions, it was the beginning of April, while trying to collect details about the background of my story, my therapist asked me: “Do you remember having felt this way, or in a similar way to this, in your past? Do you recall having felt some or all of these symptoms at some point in your past life?” Sure I did, never in such a strong way and for this long, but I’ve been feeling anxious all my life: before every test at school, every race on the track, every university exam, every job interview, every…

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Meet your shrink

Glimmer of hope by Lucas ()

The morning after I collapsed to the ground, I entered a therapist’s office for the first time in my life. No couch to lie on, no enquiring looks, no disturbing images on the walls. I found there a woman, not much older than me, with an empathic look and reassuring manners. I had been nervous since I woke up that morning, after the usual very few hours of sleep. My heart still running too fast, my head still dizzy, my breath short as I started to speak. I told her what I had been going through in those last months,…

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Let’s strike with the drama

Shattered Colours by Martin Kenny

Let’s go straight to the juiciest part: in the morning of a mid-march day, I lost my senses to my kitchen floor. After 3 days of absolute no-sleep, that morning I raised from the bed asking myself whether it would be a better idea to go to the office or to stay home again. As you may recall, everything had started to make me feel terrified, since December. For some reasons, going to work and especially having meetings were two of my biggest fears. A phone call was scheduled for my boss, some colleagues from a different site and me…

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