I’ve never been more beautiful than I am today.
I’ve never felt more beautiful than I feel today.
And I suspect the two things are related.
I’ve been younger and fresher (yep, that happens by definition, I guess).
I’ve been in better shape (yes, I really need some workout, to drop those extra 15-20 pounds I put on last winter).
I’ve had better haircuts (gosh, I really need to see my hairstylist soon).
But it turns out, those were moments in which I didn’t feel beautiful. At all.
There have been periods in which I was going out more frequently (I’ve had friends trying to plan the weekends with me on Mondays already).
I’ve been more desired (there have been days in which I had guys around who couldn’t stop thinking about me).
I’ve been asked out more often (said guys, obviously, didn’t limit themselves to thinking).
But I have to admit I just didn’t feel like being part of those weekends planned ahead, I didn’t feel flattered by those guys dying for me. Not a single bit.
There have been moments in which I had clearer dreams about my utopic future (I was going to land the hottest guy in the school, I was going to win the Olympics, I was going to win an Oscar for the best screenplay that had ever been written).
There have been moments in which I was less aware of my weaknesses (or when I just didn’t want to look at them).
There have been moments in which I just didn’t care (that’s the way things were, that’s the way I was, and nothing was ever going to change).
But then it comes a moment in which your life gets shuffled by some event striking you the way a storm shakes up the sea and – most of all – the way it stirs up the underwater sand you’ve been grounding yourself on for your entire existence.
With time the sea will quieten, sooner or later. And all of that sand is going to settle down again eventually, it always happens. But chances are that not a single grain will fall back exactly where it was. Your grounding soil will look and feel different than it was before the storm hit and if you’re lucky enough, if you don’t miss the opportunity, it will look and feel deeper, it will look and feel better than it did before the storm hit.
So it comes a day in which, without being able to explain exactly why and how, you realize you’ve never been wiser, you’ve never been better, you’ve never looked more beautiful, you’ve never understood yourself more, you’ve never felt closer to the others.
And oddly enough, those feelings of being finally free, those feelings of starting to become the person you wish to, a person you like more, the one you’ve probably always been, somehow destabilize you. It feels like spotting the face of a stranger in the mirror; it could even be Angelina’s face, but still, it feels odd.
That means that once the anxiety is gone, once the therapy is completed, once your introspection process is established and running, there’s still work to do (yep, no rest for the wicked).
You have to experiment yourself, because you’ve understood that feelings and sensations can’t be planned ahead: you have to dive into them, if you really want to feel alive.
You have to get to know yourself better, because each of those feelings and sensations you allow yourself is going to teach you something more about who you are and why.
You have to welcome that knowledge with acceptance and respect, because your feelings and your sensations are never wrong, they’re just the natural reaction produced by your story in the person you are right now.
You have to reward yourself for your achievements and comfort yourself for your failures. You have to be proud of your skills and look at your flaws with affection.
Is it easy?
Oh, hell no.
God only knows how much effort and time it will take to really learn to love myself on a constant basis, to make it my way of life.
Well, not only God knows, my therapist knows that too. I remember her saying “You have all your life to learn, remember that the objective is not in the destination, but it rather is in the journey itself.”
Nevertheless I’m still an anxiety-prone girl, after all. And as such, I easily tend to forget about the journey and aim straight to the destination. I instinctively want my solutions quick and clean. I need to reach my goal as fast as possible, set the bar higher and head straight to the following task.
But what I wish to acknowledge now is that the time is almost ripe to change the rules of the game: get used to moving around even without a destination from time to time, stop moving that freaking bar up, or simply stop looking at it for a while and be open to the life that occurs during the journey.
So that’s my homework for the summer that has just begun:
Breathe, trust, let go and see what happens.
If you’ve stumbled upon this page and reached the bottom of it, you’ve just made me happy, but if you really wish to make me thrilled and proud, please feel free to leave a comment here below. I’d love to read your feedback, suggestions, opinions of any kind (and I’d love to reply to them too). Come on, just scroll down a little bit… 🙂