My Summer homework

I’ve never been more beautiful than I am today. I’ve never felt more beautiful than I feel today. And I suspect the two things are related. I’ve been younger and fresher (yep, that happens by definition, I guess). I’ve been in better shape (yes, I really need some workout, to drop those extra 15-20 pounds I put on last winter). I’ve had better haircuts (gosh, I really need to see my hairstylist soon). But it turns out, those were moments in which I didn’t feel beautiful. At all. There have been periods in which I was going out more frequently…

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On a May Day – Part 2

Continued from On a May Day – Part 1 My first thought as soon as my therapist names my emotional side is “Am I really able to feel it, my emotional side? Do I even know what she’s talking about?” I’ve trained myself for decades to be as rational as I could. I managed to succeed at it hands down. I basically got a PhD in Applied Rationality. But how about emotivity? I feel like an innocent – and even a little dumb – child, when I hear myself saying “I’m not really sure if I know what you mean by…

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On a May Day – Part 1

On an early May morning, I showed up to my last therapy session. Needless to say, I was feeling nervous. I didn’t know much about how we were going to handle that last appointment, but I had an image that had popped in my mind few days before and I wanted to discuss about it with my therapist on that last meeting. During the previous days, while thinking about the person I have been all my life and the one I’ve got the feeling I’m transforming into, a geometrical metaphor had surfaced in my mind. I easily pictured the usual…

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The Past Me, the Present Me

By mid of November, our plan was counting 3 more therapy sessions to go. I had been feeling good for months, but there was an image that was still hurting pretty bad every time it surfaced: it was the memory of those awful days, in which my worst anxiety had kept my body trapped inside my house and my life trapped inside my head. My therapist welcomed me with her usual smile: “Today we can address those memories, by going back to EMDR.” [1] We had used EMDR for the first couple of sessions, then spontaneously moved to a more…

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Live by the Plan, die by the Plan

One of the first necessities I remember acknowledging in front of my therapist was “I need a plan”. We were talking about the Xanax I had been prescribed to help me relax a bit before going to bed and my reluctance to even try it. I had thousands of reasons why I didn’t want to open that little bottle: fear of dependence first of all, fear of losing control over my real-self, fear of being transformed into someone else by those drops, fear of starting it off without knowing if, when and how I could have quit it. So I…

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When worlds collide

Dizziness has proved to be the most perduring of all my symptoms so far. More than one year after my black-out, from time to time, the world around me still begins spinning around. Honestly, I don’t even know whether I’ll ever get rid of this reaction. Not that I actually have the need to. I’ve experienced my dizziness in a bunch of different situations up to now: while walking, while running, while driving and in several other whiles. It turns out it’s no longer that dangerous and, therefore, no longer that scary. During that lapse of time, lasting about 20-30…

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The inevitability of non-linearity

I really wonder what you are expecting from a post with such a nerdy title. Anyway, don’t panic, there won’t be any philosophy or quantum physics involved; only, as usual, the story of my journey through (and with) anxiety. As you may have learned from my posts so far, my healing process after my breakdown has seemed pretty smooth, even if it has taken some time, the need to discover and use several new “tools” and, most of all, quite a huge effort. In these months I’ve been reading and listening to hundreds of opinions about how non-linear the healing…

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Mi analysis es tu analysis

As I began to love myself, I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is Love of Oneself.  ― Charlie Chaplin When I summed up the events that had led me to breaking up with him and explained her how surprised I was about my positive reaction to those events in the following days, my therapist reflected “We can say that he served as a good training ground”.…

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Growing up

I had decided that I was going to break up with him four days before I actually did. It was a Friday night and I was determined to make him give me an explanation about what was going on. We spent the night with two other friends, then, once we were left alone in his car, I told him I couldn’t understand the reason of his sudden detachment and hostility. I explicitly explained to him that I was ready to end up our relationship if that was what he wanted, I repeated him that I wasn’t trying to force him in…

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Quite a long way

Exactly twelve months ago, I was fainting on my floor climaxing months of severe generalized anxiety. Exactly twelve months ago, I decided to start therapy, hoping it could help me find a way out of all of that suffering. Today I’m here, the worst of anxiety is gone, I’ve met new friends and dumped some others, meds are being gradually reduced, I’m jogging weekly and I’ve just asked my boss for a raise. I don’t know about tomorrow, but today, well, today I rock.     If you’ve stumbled upon this page and reached the bottom of it, you’ve just made…

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