I was never used to express my feelings or to consider my story interesting enough to be told to anybody. I never actually opened up either to my family or closest friends. I just kept it all to myself and when I say “all”, I mean it. Fears, dreams, love interests, disappointments, any kind of discomfort, every emotion was locked up somewhere between my chest, my stomach and the back of my head.
I did it naturally, I never actually had the need to let it go, or maybe I just never realized I had that need. Never, till the day when everything blew up. Till the day when I found myself senseless on my kitchen’s floor, unable to help myself and in deep need for somebody to collect me and the pieces of my scattered life.
That day I thought I had reached my lowest point, then I found out I was actually wrong. The worst was still to come and it came few weeks later. But that day was the one when I first felt the willingness, or maybe the urge, to open up and unload completely. I was laying in my bed, my upper body still shaking and making it hard for me to speak. I didn’t know what to do with myself and I felt the only thing left to try was to share at least part of the weight that was pulsing inside my head with the closest person I had at hand. I revealed my mum what I thought was messing with my head. Two hours later I was repeating it again to my GP and the day after to the doctor who was going to become my therapist. In those 24 hours I shared more of my life than I had ever done in the decades before.
Did it make me feel better? Yes, yet partially and temporarily.
Is this the reason why I’m sharing my story on this blog? No, not exactly.
It’s true, I’ve learned that sharing helps me cope with my strongest emotions, but the actual reason is that, while I was in the middle of my perfect storm, I was sure I was not going to make it. I was sure I had no way out. That’s when, being the dumbest idealist I am, I promised myself that, should I be blessed enough to get out of my hell, I would have reported my story, hoping it could help some other lost souls to find their way back.
So, welcome to my blog, welcome to the story of my journey through hell.